Inexperience and the Media

Chat friend:

” I too, like your favorite image where the male is on her lap, and thank you for your comments about it. This is what I find is missing in the portrayal of the D/s relationship. If there is an intimate connection then there is trust, intimacy, connection, respect, and love. As we have mentioned, so many of the descriptions must be written by men who have not been fortunate enough to experience these things in a relationship.

And so they focus on portrayal of pain, isolation, deprivation, and coarser attributes of the encounter. This doesn’t capture the seduction, the encounter, and the wonder of what a relationship could be.

Pardon my ramblings but I have been struggling with desire lately and I know that you intimately understand all of this.”
~~~

Me:

“I get it. It’s all good. I think since few people actually experience it in the flesh, it all remains a fantasy. And being that fantasy is created in one person’s mind, it’s a unilateral stream of thought. No one to bounce them off, so to speak.

Male fantasy directs mainstream porn and the ideas of such things like sissification and being abused or humiliated.

I think the yearn for something along those lines is deep rooted and real, but there is nothing available to TRULY express how that feels… so porn along those lines is the closest thing. And then it gets fueled by men who THINK that’s what they want, because it turns them on. Because they haven’t really any other outlet to know that there are other means, other ways, other ideals, other expressions. That it can be different.

The majority of what we see online stems from business and ego. Money and likes. But, like you understand, there are worlds that are far more ‘real’, which we must hunt to find online. But it exists.
There is ‘tribe’ scattered around the globe. 🙂

Scenes are different than relationships. What engages viewers are scenes. Because the other stuff, the good stuff, the real stuff… is not as shocking or pretty or unusual. But that’s ok. We know the deal. Hopefully more and more people will, too. In time.“
~~~

Chat friend:

“Thank you for such a compassionate response.
You are helping me to see that good yearnings are, in part, dwelling in and coming through some of the twisted expressions. When one has no physical experience, they grasp at some way to encapsulate the feelings and grope around for an image. I have found that the sub as a sissy has a minimal attraction but more because of a hint of maternal attention.

The caring sensual mistress is perhaps my fantasy… of being pulled out of my woundedness and into a loving relationship. I don’t resonate with the Mistress who uses a whip because I don’t see the woman or feel the relationship to her that is behind its usage. So the dynamics of desire are so difficult to see in an image.”

---

In my opinion …

Many D/s kinksters who might be trying to find a category for themselves (the majority being submissives) who have never experienced a real life, in-the-flesh D/s scenario, may often feel compelled to fantasize about mainstream porn D/s scenes, even if they don’t feel truly at home with the content within them.
This almost ‘forced’ desire can frequently be a direct consequence of lack of awareness of any different type of dom/sub dynamic.
People have not been exposed to any images, stories, or videos of the loving exchanges, the nurturing dynamic, the kind without pain or anger or feminization.

When subs (for example) feel a deep need to be obedient or compliant to a dominant person, they search where they believe they’ll find their niche; online, magazines or video. It’s the same as anyone looking for anything. They’re hoping to find something that will express how they feel, the yearning they can’t quite describe but one they’ll know when they see it.
So when their searches come up with something other than what they truly desire, with something that’s not exactly what they want, but it’s in the vicinity of what they know they want… they will settle. Like anything else in life, people settle on the next best thing, because we don’t know exactly what we’re missing.

So the typically masculine submissive male might come to believe that he ‘should want’ to behave and dress feminine in order to find his Domme.
Perhaps an otherwise peaceful man will convince himself that he ‘should want’ to be physically hurt or humiliated, believing that is what dominant women desire of their submissive men. Because those are what mainstream femdom media tells them.

They continue to view countless images of men being degraded and harmed, caged and feminized, all for the pleasure and enjoyment of dominant women. And inadvertently come to believe that submissive men must enjoy it, otherwise they wouldn’t be doing it. And dominant women must also enjoy that type of control as well, or THEY wouldn’t be doing it. Right? How can there be so much of it if it’s not an actual thing?

So, even though there is a logical awareness that porn scenes are staged to be filmed or photographed, and even though people are intelligent and can decipher real life vs fantasy, there is STILL a recurring theme in all the femdom media, making it appear that it must have some basis in truth.

And this is when people settle into what they believe is their kink, their fetish, their scene. This is when some men decide to cage their own cock in hopes of finding a future domme who ‘loves to cage her man’. If he wants to find her, he needs to be ready for her.
When they decide they should publicly label themselves unworthy and pathetic in hopes of attracting their domme by greeting her with this proclamation, because he believes that’s what dominant women want. Admitting that they’re not worthy of even a glance from her MUST be how you get her attention.
It couldn’t possibly be enough to simply be a gentleman and be respectful, since there are no images or videos of elegant respectful men in ANY submissive scenes in mainstream media… only white, out-of-shape, middle-aged, groveling men who dommes enjoy laughing at and hurting. (qualities that nearly warrant the punishment, but that’s not what I’m talking about.)
It’s when some men attempt to get comfortable wearing women’s clothing (even though they do NOT actually want to) because they believe that’s what turns on dominant women, per all the videos. Etc, etc.

When we realize that this ‘forced fetish’ explains why some men do what they do, we can also understand that their actual turn-on is in doing something ‘taboo’ that his potential domme will find appealing and will therefore want him. The real turn on is behaving unconventional, stepping outside one’s normal behavior, becoming unworthy and a non-man because he is convinced that is the only way to attract someone.

These are just some examples, and although they may sound exaggerated… I assure you, they’re not.
Because, like young people who strive for attention from the ones who care for them, negative attention is better than no attention. With this being the subconscious motivator, some submissives are doing what they believe they are ‘supposed to do’, in order to get the TYPE of relationship they want… all while never seeing a true example of what they truly yearn.

I’ve had multiple conversations with men who ‘present’ themselves as any of the above examples, and when I ask WHY they act or do what they do, they reveal it’s to appease dominant women. Truly believing that dommes WANT that type of behavior in their potential submissive or they won’t be taken seriously as a sub. They think they SHOULD render themselves weak and worthless and prepared to become a eunuch for her pleasure.
Only because they don’t know any better. They’ve never had a real life experience, they’ve never seen gentle or loving femdom, and they’ve never shared their desires with anyone. They’re mislead so they’re settling and that bothers me SO MUCH.

*** Of course there are subs with a masochistic streak who WILLFULLY and intentionally desire the activity in mainstream D/s scenes for a WHOLE DIFFERENT set of reasons. And there are those ‘subs’ who dominate themselves by self-caging or punishing themselves or otherwise controlling their own behavior in a non-conventional way. And then there are those who merely enjoy the fantasy of mainstream femdom for what it is, accepting it as fantasy. Exactly what porn IS.
And yay for all of them.

But for those who may found this site in a search for something OTHER than those things… for those who are yearning for nurturing, motherly control… those who haven’t quite been able to find a way to explain exactly what they want but they know it’s NOT anger or pain… this post might be insightful or helpful.
I hope so, anyway. Because that’s why I created it.

No one is totally alone in ANYTHING. We just need to find our tribe.
♥

Clingy Men

I like my men a little shy, more soft spoken, moderately clingy and very affectionate.

I like men who are quieter but are always thinking.
I like him introverted, but never lacking confidence.
I want him to openly need me, miss me, to lean into my touch and barely be able to contain himself when he sees me.
I want him to want me, to yearn for me, and never miss an opportunity to show me.

Many women would find these traits weak or unattractive, but I find them irresistible.
♥