Category: meanings

Inexperience and the Media

Chat friend:

” I too, like your favorite image where the male is on her lap, and thank you for your comments about it. This is what I find is missing in the portrayal of the D/s relationship. If there is an intimate connection then there is trust, intimacy, connection, respect, and love. As we have mentioned, so many of the descriptions must be written by men who have not been fortunate enough to experience these things in a relationship.

And so they focus on portrayal of pain, isolation, deprivation, and coarser attributes of the encounter. This doesn’t capture the seduction, the encounter, and the wonder of what a relationship could be.

Pardon my ramblings but I have been struggling with desire lately and I know that you intimately understand all of this.”
~~~

Me:

“I get it. It’s all good. I think since few people actually experience it in the flesh, it all remains a fantasy. And being that fantasy is created in one person’s mind, it’s a unilateral stream of thought. No one to bounce them off, so to speak.

Male fantasy directs mainstream porn and the ideas of such things like sissification and being abused or humiliated.

I think the yearn for something along those lines is deep rooted and real, but there is nothing available to TRULY express how that feels… so porn along those lines is the closest thing. And then it gets fueled by men who THINK that’s what they want, because it turns them on. Because they haven’t really any other outlet to know that there are other means, other ways, other ideals, other expressions. That it can be different.

The majority of what we see online stems from business and ego. Money and likes. But, like you understand, there are worlds that are far more ‘real’, which we must hunt to find online. But it exists.
There is ‘tribe’ scattered around the globe. 🙂

Scenes are different than relationships. What engages viewers are scenes. Because the other stuff, the good stuff, the real stuff… is not as shocking or pretty or unusual. But that’s ok. We know the deal. Hopefully more and more people will, too. In time.“
~~~

Chat friend:

“Thank you for such a compassionate response.
You are helping me to see that good yearnings are, in part, dwelling in and coming through some of the twisted expressions. When one has no physical experience, they grasp at some way to encapsulate the feelings and grope around for an image. I have found that the sub as a sissy has a minimal attraction but more because of a hint of maternal attention.

The caring sensual mistress is perhaps my fantasy… of being pulled out of my woundedness and into a loving relationship. I don’t resonate with the Mistress who uses a whip because I don’t see the woman or feel the relationship to her that is behind its usage. So the dynamics of desire are so difficult to see in an image.”

In my opinion …

Many D/s kinksters who might be trying to find a category for themselves (the majority being submissives) who have never experienced a real life, in-the-flesh D/s scenario, may often feel compelled to fantasize about mainstream porn D/s scenes, even if they don’t feel truly at home with the content within them.
This almost ‘forced’ desire can frequently be a direct consequence of lack of awareness of any different type of dom/sub dynamic.
People have not been exposed to any images, stories, or videos of the loving exchanges, the nurturing dynamic, the kind without pain or anger or feminization.

When subs (for example) feel a deep need to be obedient or compliant to a dominant person, they search where they believe they’ll find their niche; online, magazines or video. It’s the same as anyone looking for anything. They’re hoping to find something that will express how they feel, the yearning they can’t quite describe but one they’ll know when they see it.
So when their searches come up with something other than what they truly desire, with something that’s not exactly what they want, but it’s in the vicinity of what they know they want… they will settle. Like anything else in life, people settle on the next best thing, because we don’t know exactly what we’re missing.

So the typically masculine submissive male might come to believe that he ‘should want’ to behave and dress feminine in order to find his Domme.
Perhaps an otherwise peaceful man will convince himself that he ‘should want’ to be physically hurt or humiliated, believing that is what dominant women desire of their submissive men. Because those are what mainstream femdom media tells them.

They continue to view countless images of men being degraded and harmed, caged and feminized, all for the pleasure and enjoyment of dominant women. And inadvertently come to believe that submissive men must enjoy it, otherwise they wouldn’t be doing it. And dominant women must also enjoy that type of control as well, or THEY wouldn’t be doing it. Right? How can there be so much of it if it’s not an actual thing?

So, even though there is a logical awareness that porn scenes are staged to be filmed or photographed, and even though people are intelligent and can decipher real life vs fantasy, there is STILL a recurring theme in all the femdom media, making it appear that it must have some basis in truth.

And this is when people settle into what they believe is their kink, their fetish, their scene. This is when some men decide to cage their own cock in hopes of finding a future domme who ‘loves to cage her man’. If he wants to find her, he needs to be ready for her.
When they decide they should publicly label themselves unworthy and pathetic in hopes of attracting their domme by greeting her with this proclamation, because he believes that’s what dominant women want. Admitting that they’re not worthy of even a glance from her MUST be how you get her attention.
It couldn’t possibly be enough to simply be a gentleman and be respectful, since there are no images or videos of elegant respectful men in ANY submissive scenes in mainstream media… only white, out-of-shape, middle-aged, groveling men who dommes enjoy laughing at and hurting. (qualities that nearly warrant the punishment, but that’s not what I’m talking about.)
It’s when some men attempt to get comfortable wearing women’s clothing (even though they do NOT actually want to) because they believe that’s what turns on dominant women, per all the videos. Etc, etc.

When we realize that this ‘forced fetish’ explains why some men do what they do, we can also understand that their actual turn-on is in doing something ‘taboo’ that his potential domme will find appealing and will therefore want him. The real turn on is behaving unconventional, stepping outside one’s normal behavior, becoming unworthy and a non-man because he is convinced that is the only way to attract someone.

These are just some examples, and although they may sound exaggerated… I assure you, they’re not.
Because, like young people who strive for attention from the ones who care for them, negative attention is better than no attention. With this being the subconscious motivator, some submissives are doing what they believe they are ‘supposed to do’, in order to get the TYPE of relationship they want… all while never seeing a true example of what they truly yearn.

I’ve had multiple conversations with men who ‘present’ themselves as any of the above examples, and when I ask WHY they act or do what they do, they reveal it’s to appease dominant women. Truly believing that dommes WANT that type of behavior in their potential submissive or they won’t be taken seriously as a sub. They think they SHOULD render themselves weak and worthless and prepared to become a eunuch for her pleasure.
Only because they don’t know any better. They’ve never had a real life experience, they’ve never seen gentle or loving femdom, and they’ve never shared their desires with anyone. They’re mislead so they’re settling and that bothers me SO MUCH.

*** Of course there are subs with a masochistic streak who WILLFULLY and intentionally desire the activity in mainstream D/s scenes for a WHOLE DIFFERENT set of reasons. And there are those ‘subs’ who dominate themselves by self-caging or punishing themselves or otherwise controlling their own behavior in a non-conventional way. And then there are those who merely enjoy the fantasy of mainstream femdom for what it is, accepting it as fantasy. Exactly what porn IS.
And yay for all of them.

But for those who may found this site in a search for something OTHER than those things… for those who are yearning for nurturing, motherly control… those who haven’t quite been able to find a way to explain exactly what they want but they know it’s NOT anger or pain… this post might be insightful or helpful.
I hope so, anyway. Because that’s why I created it.

No one is totally alone in ANYTHING. We just need to find our tribe.
♥

Brave Enough

I hope you meet someone brave enough to love you.

This little message above was sent to me a few years ago on Tumblr. The best intentions were behind it, I’m sure.
But for once, I had no response. I was left blank.
No smart-assed reply, no insightful reasoning as to what was meant, no defending my position (which is where one might instinctively want to go). 

Because I knew why.
I’ve heard this before, but this was the first time the term ‘brave’ was used. Brave. It’s extremely descriptive.
And it sat on me with the weight of hundred planets, that I haven’t yet shaken off. And it makes me sad… still.
Because, so do I.

If he doesn’t touch you…

Ok, so, I’m a reality show junkie. I’m not gonna lie about it and I have ZERO apologies about it. I am obsessed with relationship shows the most, like Married at First Sight, Love is Blind, 90 Day Fiance, etc. I watch ANY and all of them if they speak English. I can’t get enough.
* I do realize that admitting this may affect my credibility as an intelligent woman, but too fucking bad. These shows are my vice, since I don’t smoke or drink or get high, and they are satisfying beyond words, so just deal.

Anyway, there are two EXTREMELY aggravating behaviors that the folks on these shows like to repeat season after season, that make me literally curse at my screen.
1. They often use the made-up, BLATANTLY incorrect possessive pronoun “I’s” as in ‘Mark and I’s relationship’.
WHAT!? NO! STOP! ARGH!
I’s is not, nor has it ever been, a fucking word, unless you’re talking about the two sight balls on your face. So, no.
2. The second most annoying thing these people do is get upset at the one partner who isn’t physically attracted to the other one. This is where these reality shows are the MOST real. Because this happens in real life all the time, and it’s always a shit show.

Just do the girl!

Not only does the world get to watch the painful cringe reality of people struggling with no desire to touch the other one (who can’t wait to jump their bones), but they get attacked by everyone else, as if they can control their non-feelings. As if they CHOSE to feel that way.
And THIS hits hard for me.

Because I’ve been there. Not only have I been on countless dates where I was disturbed by the thought of touching the dude, but I’ve actually been in a serious relationship where I was NOT physically attracted to the guy. I loved him as my friend, but there was no real ‘chemistry’ for me. I was distant and at the end, I was appalled by the thought of touching him. It wasn’t fair to him at all, and it ate away at my soul to the point where I got very sick. And I’ve also been the one thrown into the shitty friend zone a time or two, as well.

I’m sure everyone has felt like this at SOME point about SOMEone, where you simply don’t feel that excitable ‘gooeyness’ for them. When you hoped you would wake up and want to fuck them, but for reasons you can’t explain, you just never do. And maybe you’ve felt more than a gentle repel, where the very idea made you so uncomfortable that you can’t even bring yourself to ‘friend touch’ them.
That shit SUCKS.
I guess it’s kind of like when you find yourself being weirdly sexually attracted to someone really old or weird looking (or an inanimate object?), and nobody else gets it.

But the thing that makes me SO angry is when people get pissed off at the person who doesn’t have the lusty feelings. Sometimes it’s appropriate to be angry, but more often it’s ridiculous.
Most of the time, the one who isn’t attracted tries to be as nice as possible to their partner (the non-attractee?) and keeps their non-feelings a secret until they’ve exhausted every excuse in the world for not wanting to bang them.
Like:
1. It takes time for me to ‘let my walls down’ enough to want to be intimate.
2. I don’t have sex with just anyone right off the bat (it’s been 7 weeks and they’re legally married).
3. I want to grow to love her as a friend first, because that’s just how I work.

It’s awful to be the person who doesn’t have the feels. Most people are good-hearted, and when someone agrees to marry you sight unseen (remember I was originally talking about my dumb reality shows), it’s crappy to have to hurt them that way.
* But ya know, this applies to any friend-zoned couples.
It’s one thing when a person continues to rationalize or flat out deny the reality that they don’t want to touch their partner, but it’s another thing when they DO admit it and are as honest as they can be… but are condemned for it.
And THEN there’s the person who acts like they don’t want to bone, but they secretly DO want to bone, but are pretending not to want to bone because they have an off-putting secret reason.

Here’s what I think.

In my opinion, when someone shows a great deal of genuine interest in the other person, (talking about ANYONE now), yet shows ZERO signs of affection or steers clear of activities that are ‘too personal’ with the other person, there’s usually something suspicious going on.
Especially if, when confronted with leading on the other person, they adamantly deny misleading them. You need to start thinking of reasons why.
If a man is nice and shows his partner all kinds of interest EXCEPT sexual interest, he may:
1. already belong to someone else
2. be attracted to the other gender
3. have small/weird/deformed/dysfunctional genitals
If it’s 1 or 2, they’re an asshole for stringing the other person along when there’s no chance of things progressing.
But if it’s number 3, this is a common tactic used by men with small cocks or erectile dysfunction. Yeah, I’m on to you.
They try to build a foundation and get emotionally close so that the other person won’t run when they finally reveal the unpleasant secret in their pants.
* This also explains the people who secretly want to bone but don’t let on that they want to bone.

I call bullshit on all of this, but whatever. I personally, can’t do that whole waiting thing, because I MUST see what I’m working with immediately.

But the people who are forthright and honest and say they really like their person but are not physically attracted to them, are in a weird place. They may or may not outwardly express platonic signs of affection toward them. If they ARE touchy, it’s because it feels natural and comfortable and friendly. If they don’t, it’s from fear of ‘leading them on’, giving them false hope, or they just don’t want to. And since EVERYTHING can be interpreted as signs of attraction, it’s a shitty position to be in.

But one thing for sure is, if a male is not actively attempting to, alluding to, or otherwise giving off HEAVY signs that he wants to fuck, something is not right.
* Even submissive men.

People are weird and complicated and there’s a billion reasons why we feel what we feel and why we like what we like. Sometimes it’s easily explained with psychology, but most of the time, it’s not.
And what pisses me off is when people get blamed for NOT feeling that vibe. Regardless of how they handle the situation, being blamed for missing that urge is unfair. It’s not their fault. It’s not a fault-able trait. But oftentimes the partner is so hurt with disbelief, that they can’t help but lash out and be hateful, as if that scolding them will change or improve the situation. It won’t.
Will a hysterical guilt trip suddenly make the person want to rip your clothes off? No. And if they’re scrutinized and judged by the other couples, they’re only going to resent you for being dramatic.

Ya know… it is what it is. Sure, people can ‘grow’ to be attracted to someone, this is true. But that shit is rare, and it usually happens over a LONG period of time, like with co-workers or classmates.
If you believe in past lives, maybe you’re not attracted to a person because you shouldn’t be. Maybe they were your grandma or your sister (ew).
Maybe it’s just a pheromone thing. Maybe it’s an energetic thing, or an astrological or numerological thing or who the fuck knows. But getting angry is dumb and futile.
When that shit happens, you just gotta accept it and move on without ‘trying’ to make something be different, because you’re just wasting your time and looking desperate and stupid.

You can’t FORCE anyone to feel anything for you. Love or lust. You just can’t.
You can’t use logic or bribes or guilt or anger or anything.
It’s fucking heart-crushing, I know.
But that’s exactly what makes shit so fucking special when people genuinely like/love you AND they also want to rip your clothes off. Especially when they stick around to keep doing it.

I like these shows because no matter how silly and over the top they all are, they’re really about people who have hope. It’s about hope. That’s the bare-assed basis of it. And it’s nice.
Often their dreams are smashed to bits and everyone looks like an ass, but sometimes there are actual happy endings.
And what kind of freak doesn’t like a happy ending?
♥

And so, about money…

Below is a post from 2017, when I was utilizing Tumblr as my website for paying clients. I like keeping these posts up because it helps explain why some dominants act a certain way about certain things. This one is about money. (der)

A shit-eating grin and a hug to the lovely bois that have sent me Amazon gift cards in the last couple of weeks, AND to those of you who have utilized my PP DONATION link!! I’m so excited that it works for you!

Being on the web, I’m CONSTANTLY asked if I want to ‘take on’ people. I’m always asked if I will do A, B, or C, for people who have ZERO intention of giving or gifting or paying me ANYTHING to do said A, B and C. 
I don’t respond to 99% of them, and I don’t need to go into detail here as to why I can’t stand that. But I also realize that SOME people may truly not know what they’re doing when they ask me if I want to do these things. (I like to be optimistic.)

Now, aside from the obvious… I want to be clear that yes, people in my position DO have a personal life… and when I need or want anything, I will find it. On my own. So, don’t you worry that I’m having a rough time without your oh-so-generous offer to be the subject of my time, energy and attention for no reciprocation whatsoever. Hard to believe, I know.

So, asking if I will GIVE myself to you for NO appreciation, is not only insulting, but it shows me that you are ignorant or arrogant. I just shake my head at this point, as there is NO reason a person can possibly be this naive when addressing a professional dominant who is PAID for doing what you’re asking me to do.

If I lived next door to everyone, then perhaps I’d have you work on my car, or clean my house, or do errands in exchange for whatever I might give or do for you. But I live here and you are there.
And the ONLY way to show appreciation, love, or otherwise gratitude in this scenario, is MONEY. It’s sounds entitled, but it’s true.
Think about it.

Money allows you to show me you are humble, you are appreciative, you are considerate, and you are mature. It satisfies the sense of gifting, too… and that is a lovely feeling. 

If I were an a narcissistic web-bitch, and I EXPECTED people to fawn over me, and I NEVER replied to messages or had conversations with all of you for the sake of being my genuine self… then money would mean very little. If that were the case, then the monetary token of your gratitude wouldn’t mean shit to me, and neither would the actual flesh and blood people behind the money.

But I’m NOT that type of person. I’m NOT a bitch, and I am always mutually grateful when I’m given something I did NOT expect. Being hired to do something is one thing… but being gifted for just sharing my thoughts and conversation is another. 

Receiving a gift for simply being myself, for helping, enlightening, or entertaining… is always humbling and motivating, and it encourages me to try to do more.
I’m always moved by your compliments and lovely comments.
I read them all, they make me smile, and I often take your suggestions to heart.

❤ But… the reality is… when a donation is attached to a compliment, it stirs up a deeper sense of purpose, joy, and satisfaction within me… and it is remembered. It means what I wrote or did has enough value to someone that they wished to express their gratitude with money. ❤

I just wanted people to understand how this money thing works for me… and why I (and other Dommes and people in similar situations) both welcome and appreciate donations.
And also why we’re a bit disgruntled by people who really believe we have nothing better to do than give them our one-on-one time and attention for the sheer ‘fun’ of it, when other people think my time and attention is worth something to them and they want me to know it.

So, back to my gifters… THANK YOU! You know who you are, and I appreciate you very much! I’d crawl across the internet (while we still have it) and tie you up and make you moan and writhe for a little while.
Not because I’m expected to… but because I want to.

Muah!!!  
XO ~ Taryn