Naturally Dominant

I’m asked all the time if I’m ‘naturally’ dominant. And without blinking an eye, I say yes. Because I am.
I can’t imagine NOT being this way and having learned it, or pretending, or had to ‘fake it til I make’ it.
And although I’ve had dominant tendencies all my life, it became indisputable after being immersed in the alternative sexy lifestyle in my 30s. But it took me until I was in my late 40s to truly and fully embrace that my relationships MUST be this way, in order for me to allow real love to grow. Any other type of normal intimate relationship with normal sex and normal dynamics could NEVER work with me.
But up until that point, I felt that I could be in a ‘normal’ relationship if I HAD to be.

Which is a weird thing to say, because it’s not like I anticipated a gun to my head, forcing me to love and fuck a vanilla guy. But I mean, if I happen to wind up loving a kinky dude who was NOT fully into the overall female-led protocol, I thought I could adapt and settle. As long as the sex was hot and we had some D/s sexy time every so often… AND he made me laugh, was crazy smart, creative, and was nice to me. Ya know, all the standard shit.
For many many years, I truly believed that I could be with an average kinkster and be content. But after going that route over and again, I finally accepted that was a lie.

When I was first formally introduced to this lifestyle, I was elated that there were names for the attitude I had in regards to the way I related to sex and men, and I was excited that there were so many other people who were into the same shit I was. And when I further discovered this type of loving female domination, I was validated that my ability to take charge and be the doer, the natural leader and care-taker, wasn’t just me feeling entitled or domineering. Which is exactly how vanilla folks would put it, because they didn’t know better or see what was happening behind the scenes.

I’ve always been an independent thinker and thrived on being different than the norm. I was always attracted to things that were bizarre and unusual, but I was never an actual ‘rebel’. Not with any intention anyway. Only when people or situations were fucked up, did I make waves. And I was never scared to make waves.

In all aspects of my life, school/work/play, I’d been the one to try to change things when rules were wrong, and I used my voice when people or situations needed one. Consequently, people began to expect me to step up whenever a situation needed some help, because I handled it. When a group or circumstance needed a leader, I was right there, don’t have to ask me twice.
My ability to do this was also because I seemed to be blessed by the ability to verbalize what everyone was thinking, but never had the balls to say. On top of all that, my often crippling overwhelming sense of empathy made me FEEL as much as I thought, and since I could see things from a different perspective, it was pretty easy for me to explain abstract ideas in a way anyone could understand.

These qualities made me a born therapist, a fixer, the one who can see both sides of complicated situations. I grabbed the lead and forged the way by being bold enough to call people/situations out on their shit.

Being in charge came naturally and easily, because I’m a doer. I don’t just think about shit, I do it. I’ve had my own businesses, homes, can change a tire, put in ceiling fans, replace toilets, build shelving, sew costumes, make things. All kinds of stuff. I also felt comfortable being on stage, having all eyes on me while I perform or talk. I liked having the attention of others, whether it be a crowd of one person. Maybe I had/have a teeny bit of exhibitionism in me, but I’m an outgoing introvert and I’m super happy working behind the spotlight, as well. Hell, I don’t know.
Maybe it’s an only child thing. Who knows.

In a non-sexual way, I never felt ‘domineering’ or controlling for the sake of being controlling. Ever. It wasn’t just for fun and it wasn’t at the expense of anyone. If I was ever (or am) controlling, it was/is ALWAYS because I’m acting in the best interest of the OTHER person and never for the sole benefit of myself. I only wanted to share what I knew to be better or more proficient, because I KNEW better. I either learned it from somewhere or I experienced it before, but in any case, I KNEW better.

I don’t just say shit to hear myself talk, and I HATE the risk of being wrong… so when I say something, I tend to know wtf I’m talking about. And I suppose it can be misinterpreted as being controlling, but the intention behind it was not about me. Unless it decidedly was. Or during sex.

My most distinguishable ‘dominant’ give-away was how I was sexually different than other women. From the very first ‘real’ boyfriend I had at 17, I’d say I was the initiator 75% of the time. And also, since day 1, my sex drive was higher than 90% of my partners. Men would constantly be surprised when I wasn’t satisfied by the typical sequence of (male-centered) sexual events. These two qualities seem to be ‘dominant’ traits.
Who knew?

I’ve always loved cock, so the idea of it being RIGHT THERE and not getting to play with it at the drop of a hat, is something I struggle with.
HELLO! Men have these amazing sex tools that I can totally control and enjoy, so how can I possibly not use it all the time? Unfathomable.
And giving head was something I always liked doing, (so much power) so I never considered it a chore. However, if I blow a guy, I’m sure as shit gonna fuck him and/or have him make me come. Optimally, both.
Only on the most special of occasions would I allow him to come for the mere sake of doing something for him only. I mean, if I’m there WITH him, why does he automatically think it ends with him? I never subscribed to the idea that when the man blows his load, sex is over… regardless if I came or don’t want to stop.
Who the fuck in their right mind thinks that’s OK?
This isn’t the middle ages.
AND… if your cock is dead for whatever reasons, then DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH ME, or else that’s just selfish. You have hands and a mouth and objects. Use them!

It took me years to realize that this might be a dominant trait.

Unfortunately for most men, my sexual appetite MUST be fulfilled in order for me to feel content. I’d get angry if sex would be ‘over’ and I didn’t orgasm. However, if the dude made an energetic and willful attempt and I didn’t come, I’d be only a little disgruntled, because at least he considered me and TRIED. In those cases, I’ll just say they weren’t that good because it’s not that difficult to make me come. Maybe they’re super inexperienced, which is OK, as long as they ADMIT it and didn’t claim to be good.

I’m kinda disgusted by men who claim they’re good in bed or say they have a big cock. Because 99% of them are wrong. No clue as to whom are they comparing themselves. Did they conduct a survey or watch a lot of gay porn? What makes men so cocky and confident about their skills or their size?
Honestly, it’s the ones who allude to nothing that you need to pay attention to. They’re the quiet ones who know the deal and let their bodies speak for themselves.
OK, all of that is another post for another time, so let me get back to me talking about being a bitch in bed.

If a man didn’t even TRY to make me come, or if he came and thought our sex session was finished, I would be pissed. I’m not even subtle about it. I mean, I’d become visibly disappointed.
The idea that he could be so selfish and inconsiderate, was enough to stop talking with him immediately and get physically away. It’s rough, I admit it. It’s really the only time when I can be SUCH a bitch.
But seriously… wtf? These men are NOT alone in this naked playtime, so where do they get off thinking it revolves around or finishes with their cum?
Perhaps it’s vanilla mainstream porn and/or the pop culture media and/or their idiot friends and/or the females that they’ve fucked prior to me. It’s messed up.
So yeah, I didn’t know this attitude was a ‘dominant’ thing for many years.
But it really is.

Another activity I love to do, that I would NOT consider a dominant trait, but more of a ‘top’ behavior, is eating ass. I mean, I really love man-ass. I love man-body all together, but man-ass is usually lean and pretty and so fucking inviting. I love man-bodies that are larger than me and muscular, because making them fall weak by doing sexy things to them, is the biggest turn on in the world. And I am super turned on by muscles. Oomph…
And before the time when I would ever call myself kinky, I would shock the men who’s asses were the objects of my desire. Now, it’s expected to the degree that I can’t consider a relationship with someone whose ass is ‘one way only’ or off limits. Nope.

Something else that men would find odd is how I sometimes I seemed a little ‘aggressive’ when I would initiate sex without any waste-of-time bullshit. My dates would be shocked when I’d say “I wanna fuck you” before the entree even got to the table, or at the end of a lovely evening.
Hint: most women know this within minutes… but when I was sure of it, I’d verbalize it to him, because why wait?
* Also, I have NEVER gone out with anyone I didn’t ALREADY know I could be naked with. I never had the kind of time where you physically go to a place to meet a stranger and THEN attempt to get to know them. What kind of INSANITY is that?
I do all the ‘getting to know you’ weeks or months before ever meeting anyone, so if I was willing to meet him, then I ALREADY knew I wanted to fuck them (if they remained true to their online persona).
This might seem like a ‘control issue’ to some folks, but I call it proficient and smart.

Another trait that comes to mind is during sex when I’d surprise my partner by flipping him over so I could be on top. Or I’d pin his wrists over his head and nuzzle my face into his neck or armpit or bite a nipple.
Or if someone tried to playfully wrestle me, I’d put up an actual fight because I HATE being restrained or pinned down. Not only did I surprise men by my squirrely strength, but it bruised some egos, as well.

On that same note, I don’t mind when he initiates or touches me sexy-like and moves me around to do things differently. I like being the receiver of his lust. But something I really HATE is being teased with orgasm denial. Don’t EVEN consider being all lovey to my body with all kinds of gooey sexiness, making me all loose and vulnerable and then fucking STOP because you saw it on some video. No. That’s some toppy shit right there. I don’t give a shit if you love it being done to you. Don’t do it to me. Because I will completely stop everything with you.
You want to stop? OK, we can stop. We’re done.

And if a man makes me come, but decides to HOLD ME DOWN while I’m coming, I might hurt him. Ya know when a guy wraps his arms around the chick’s hips while he eats her pussy and uses all his force to prevent her from bucking when she comes, so he can continue to lick her and ‘drive her wild’?
Ya know what I mean?
Totally disregarding the uber-sensitivity of the clit immediately after the peak, to appear as if he’s never eaten a pussy before and doesn’t know how they work.
Restraining me ruins my orgasm and licking a fire-y clit fucking hurts.
When this happens I may smack him on his head but I usually twist to break free and ask him wtf. Because that’s a control thing right there, and that’s MY motherfucking department.
Really, stop it. Between the tease and denial and the hip hold and lick… I may never come back. Seriously.

And lastly, I HATE it when men attempt to talk powerful nasty to me during sex, like ‘yeah, you like that, don’t you?’, or they call me names like ‘my little whore’.
I must have been some Empress or Queen Bitch in a past life because yeah um… bigtime NOPE.
It hits me SO very very wrong. Why does it feel so WRONG? It’s like inappropriately, out of proportion wrong. So weird, I can’t even pretend.
I mean, no dude, you are not my ‘daddy’, and I’ve never been anyone’s ‘fucking slut’ or whatever.

That’s happened only a few times in my life a very long time ago, before I realized why I can’t stand it.
I’m the one who is supposed to be saying those words, and to have them said to me is not only gross and awkward, it’s fucking hysterical and ruins every bit of sexiness that might have been going on.
Those words feel super natural coming out of MY mouth, though. Which is why phone sex was so easy for me.
Pretty dominant behavior, right? Still didn’t put two and two together for sooo long.

I like being the do-er, indeed, and I love all the nasty and empowering types of whacked-ass play that comes along with it. I like restraining and teasing and creating memories with my man. I like inflicting JUST enough pain to make him question himself for a nanosecond and them remember that he trusts me with his safety and sanity. I like being the creator of those memories. The physical scenarios and the ones that make him aware of himself. I like ‘using’ his body when and how I want to, and then setting him free, only to have him be grateful for the experience and want more.
I love it when we both want more. It’s perfection when we both want more and we both want to give more. I love the certain sensual type of power that comes from me when I feel confident and sexy, and I love to be wanted that way.

But… I also love the intimate, gushy, super slow, eye contact, vanilla-love sex, too. I love the missionary position with eyes locked and molasses-slow movements with lots of barely-kissing and inhaling each other’s breath.
And I really like when my person makes any type of move on me… because he can’t keep his hands off me, and he knows it makes me all hot and bothered to build up the yearning I have for him. I like being the object of HIS affection, anytime and (almost) anywhere. I like being talked to during sex… I like being spoken to sweetly or told how things feel or asked something followed by ‘please’ or intimate questions.

I love clothed sensual teasing that builds up passion and then finally giving in to it. When I’m in a relationship, I can’t go a day without intimacy and the physical act of SOME kind of sex. I get angry if I don’t get it. I get angry if his sex drive can’t keep up. I get angry if his cock doesn’t work or if he is always tired. Because I insist on my intimate relationship being a HIGHLY PHYSICAL/SEXUAL one, and that means EVERY opportunity we can. It’s been this way since I was 16 and it’s not slowed down at all. Not even now, in my 50s.
But the interesting thing is that I’m perfectly fine going very long periods of time (years) without sex, when I’m not connected to a person. It’s not the mere act I yearn for. It’s the intimacy and connection with my person. I rarely even masturbate when I’m single because I don’t ‘need’ sex, and I don’t really get flustered by the lack of it.
I don’t miss it because it’s a feeling that cannot be substituted so I rub one out whenever I want to, but I never need to.
I think some people might call that maturity.

I call it being in control.
😉 ♥